Blush

My heart and liver don't get along. I took my blood pressure today and my systolic is a little high. My pulse rate is 65 though, which is pretty good (me thinks).

Did you know that the order of the letters on a keyboard are as they are because when the first computers were made, the disorder slowed the user's typing, thus giving the software enough time to process the input. Keyboards with all letters in alphabetical order are made available today.

I filled my room with the most beautiful light, and made an imaginary snow angel on the bed. "I wonder where the ice machine is in this place" I think to myself. I rolled over to the bedside table and pulled open the drawer. "A free pen and pad of paper!" I have met success. I had a dream last night that reminded me of you. "You couldn't handle me" you said, "I'm too much woman for you." I had to gather all my belongings and I felt your searing stare on all sides of my head as my departure was drawn out. "Don't forget these, " you say as I struggle to open the door with my hands full, and you toss something at me. A bag of jelly beans which are not your favorite, but it was a dream, and I thought they were. I don't wake up screaming. I don't think I ever have. Now, waking up with a jolt? Yeah, plenty of times.

I look out the window at all the little white and red dots flowing along. The exploding tape deck.

In a forest of pencils, you're a little eraser, peeking from behind one. I'm a piece of paper. With a sweet bicycle. Turns out you have one too. We go for a ride. You draw on me. But you are the eraser, and I am but the paper.

I tied a string between two cups and you slapped me. "This is the wrong model!" you scream. It's not my fault? No. I say, "Where is my present?" You reach into your pocket and pull out your middle finger. I knew you shouldn't have drank out of that wine glass. "This holds three glasses of wine! But it looks like it's only, I don't know, one really big one." "That's something else." I say. And I meant it.

Man arrested for sending mouse up in "kite" with key attached to line. When questioned, his only response was "Props are required where props are deserved."

Owner of the popular pub, Bennie Frankie's, has medal awarded after inventing glasses which allow you to read and see what's "going on over there" interchangeably.

"I have the chalice!" Leonard screamed from atop of the foam mountain. We all moan and slouch our shoulders. It's foggy in the chamber, and I can smell whatever it is that they put in the liquid. It's like inhaling fake air. I was sort of annoyed that you won it. First the scratch off lottery ticket, and now that thing. What did I win? Time spent with you. Old friend. I wish I could just be happy for you, but I wanted the goddamn chalice. It was going to save my relationship. She's a sweet girl, and I really enjoy hanging out with her. But I always came home, empty handed. I close the door and she's still awake. "Did you have fun at Pump It Up?" she asks. "Yeah" I say "and go in to give her a kiss which she quietly avoids, and takes a peck on the cheek. "I brought home some loaded baked potato skins" I sheepishly offer. "You know those things make me constipated" she says. "No" I say, incredibly alarmed. Later that night I can't sleep because all I can think about is how many times you ate those loaded baked potato skins with me, hiding the fact that they made you constipated. "I don't need a chalice" I think, "you are my prize."

I set up a model train set between my room and yours. With two controllers, so that we could send each other things. I guess that's sort of like Mr. Rogers. You sent me a coal car full of pretzels and a soda that one time when I had a lot of work to do. I wonder if I should tell you that the coal car is for coal only.

Invention: Beach towel with sunscreen already on it. You dry off, and apply more sunscreen at the same time. Not for children under the age of three. Comes in different spfs and colors. Available at Walgreens and Rite Aid.

And that's how I feel right now.

tortoise shell

These days, I don't know where much of anything is going to go.

I at least have confidence now that I can make myself happy.

This blog is sometimes shameless self loathing.

hatin'

I feel like I've forgotten how to enjoy the things that I do. Not like to do though. I mean, I could usually find some sort of aspect of school work which caught my attention and inspired me. I just bore myself these days. Everything seems like a task. I'm just a passive hermit who gets riled up after a few drinks. I'm pretty sad that my bicycle has been broken for the past month or so. It'd be nice to be able to go for a ride right now. Leave whatever it is looming over my head behind me. I hate that feeling you get when you are sleepy, and you want to take a nap, but you know it would be unproductive. So you go through the rest of your day sleepy. I used to have trouble sleeping. I don't really anymore. I fear that my brain is lazy and unmotivated. It's like, if I'm not driving myself crazy with thoughts than I'm not really using my brain.

I hate being polite. I'm almost unnoticeable. Why I should be I don't know. I am the thoughtful, sensitive kid from the 80's. So so quiet. You can go first. Sometimes I feel bad for putting myself first. Other times I put other people first and become impatient with them.

I just hold myself up in my room, listen to music, and talk to people on the internet. I don't do work, I'm always tempted with sleep, and wish I was somewhere else.

age

"Where's your trash can?"
"Under the sink" I tell her. She leans over to throw away her frozen food top and I notice her slender figure. I felt a little embarrassed, and it must've been written on my face when she turned around. "What's wrong?" "Nothing" I say with a slight shake of my head. "Have you ever had one of these?" she asks. I don't really remember what we got from the store so I tell her that I don't know. She presses start and leans against the sink.
"So you were telling me about your Grandfather?"
"Yeah," I say "Him and I used to spend hours in the basement, playing with little lights and batteries and what not. He'd give me a bunch of my Dad's old toys to play with, like his Erector set, and train set."
"Are you close to him?" she asks.
"Oh well, he passed away about three years ago."
"I'm sorry," she says "My grandfather died when I was really young."
I look over at her and can tell that she only rememebers good memories of him.
"We're in the dead Grandfather club." I say.
She pauses for a second, "But neither of us are dead grandfathers" she says as she goes to the microwave. She opens the door and pauses as the steam billows out. "A lot of people make jokes about being old, and they wonder about what they will look like and who they will be when they are that age." I stood listening, wondering if I had saddened her.
"I think that when I am old, I will think about the kind of person I was when I was young." She looks over at me and smiles, "Sort of ironic isn't it?"
"Sort of" I say. And I begin to think about how much of my life I've spent thinking about who I am, and who I could be, and who I've been.
She hands me a plate and smiles. "These things are awesome. So cheap!" she says as she bites the hot food off with care. We sit in silence for a while, eating, and looking at things around my kitchen. "Hey" she says, looking over at me "Thanks for giving me something to think about when I get old."

I'm not exactly sure where true happiness lies.
Maybe it's in the lighting in my room.
Or the speakers which play my music.
Maybe it's in cleaning my room
Or reading a book
And feeling it affect you
Comfort food has been reduced to Ramen
And water is a nutritionless healthy alternative
I try to toss and turn in my sleep
but the exposed springs in my mattress catch on my belt loops
In the middle of the day I realize that my jaw hurts
Maybe I grind my teeth at night
True happiness could be in my dreams
Carver said that dreams are things that you wake up from
I used to believe that
I love dreams that scare me terribly
I wake up only to hear the end of a moan or gasp that I have let out
It takes my brain a second or two
And I realize that all of it was just a nightmare
and that my life has not taken me through such adventures
True happiness is some sort of invisible location
I'm always trying to go to
Like I think I can just walk up to it













Do you fall asleep with a smile?

noise pop

This weekend, my sister and brother in-law came down to visit. We had a beer at the Globe, and then moved to Transmet for lunch and another round. It was good to see them again, and my sister seemed like she was doing okay. They recently put their dog down because he had cancer. I'm going to miss him. He was always such a sweet dog. Ol' sis wanted to do some tequila at about 4:30 but thankfully somehow forgot. I don't enjoy too much getting drunk so early in the day. I didn't like it much during tailgating season either. It just makes me tired and then I feel like the day is wasted.

After that we went to Boulder Park. We played Sardines, which is a game where one person hides, and the other people have to find him or her. However, when you find the hider, you hide with them, and the last person to find everyone, loses. We played at dusk, and after awhile, it started getting weird out there and I began to get paranoid, thinking about Evil Dead. Then there was a crazy guy who talked to himself. I was pretty glad when we left.

Last night we watched the new Evangelion movie, and an Arcade Fire concert. Cut Copy played in Atlanta last night (why didn't I know about that before?). I would have liked to go to that.

Man this post sounds really boring. I've got this love/hate thing going on with spaghetti. I eat a lot of it these days, and right now I crave some. But I eat so much of it, that sometimes I just can't even look at it. I love pasta parties, um, have been an active member in the pasta community for quite some time now, and well, in about five years? I can easily see myself still enjoying pasta, despite its shortcomings. Is, is that it? Oh well okay, and you have my number? Okay, okay. Uh, haha sorry, how do I get out of here again? Well I look forward to hearing from you.

"How'd it go?"
"I don't know man, " I told him, "I'm not sure if I'll get the job or not."
He looked at me and smiled. "Hey, I'm sure you did fine. To imagine, that just a year ago you were through with pasta." He shook his head and chuckled.
"I know right?"
I thought to myself, "Is this the right decision? What if I wake up one day and don't like pasta anymore?"
"Hey" I say "What's for dinner tonight?"
He looks over and says with a grin "Spaghetti."
I love my life. My dad is cool.

***
A friend of mine hates bands with female singers. She just doesn't like em. I do though, because sometimes I imagine that the women are singing to me. Which is comforting to someone like me. I just swoon over how pretty her voice is or how cute she is. I imagine what it'd be like to be friends with a musician like that. I could write about it in my blog. "I am friends with an amazing female musician."

Sometimes I wonder what kind of a person I have developed into in the past year. I'm definitely not the same, but how? I think I spend more time indoors or something. I get trapped in my room. I love going outside though. I get trapped in my head. TRAPPED!

I was feeling sad about everything until I realized that writing sentimentally pensive epiphanies about how great life can be, and how there is always another chance for you to be happy, are essentially a lot of talk, and not very helpful at all.

hold

"Hold your ground" he said to me. "Your mother didn't work two jobs so you could run away from this." I just looked over at him. Staring strait forward, emotionless except for a small scowl on his lip. "You're no brother to me" I say. He spits on the ground. We're in our old childhood park. The man made stream that used to have little waterfalls built in, has been turned off. "They stopped running the stream a long time ago" I said. He doesn't know that, nor does he care. He's been off in some city far away, doing drugs, and becoming more and more closed off and alone. "Remember when we used to spend an afternoon building little boats, and our parents would take us here to float them down, running alongside, to see whose would make it to the bottom?" I get no response, but he lights a cigarette. "I don't remember anything from my childhood" he says. I know he's lying. He'd just rather focus on whatever problems he has. "I think I'm going to go" I say. He looks over at me, and I can see the sadness in his face. Something that says "I won't stop you, but I need someone here." "I'm not the one running away" I say to him. He stares ahead of him again, and is quiet, thinking. "Do you think they'll ever turn the stream on again?" he finally asks. "I don't know," I say. "Maybe in the summer." He looks up at me, "I won't be around that long."

ivory keys

jazz.
a great night for me would be a pool table, a nice beer or liquor, and jazz. or a prairie home companion. Somewhere in a cabin, with snow outside. Take a deep breath of that mountain air and light a cigarette. who are you?

I lay on my bed and think about things. I contemplate just about everything until I realize that I'm not really doing anything. OH I am so clever. Without anything to do, I'm a mess.

One more thing, then another
trying to find something that will make me happy
i am
searching
it should be easy to start from the bottom
and work my way up
because i am already there

As much as I would like, smoking in my bed just isn't something I feel completely comfortable with.

Come on over and I'll wrap you up in my world
I have her warmth in an envelope
her real thoughts
aren't on paper

you look into my eyes and I'm looking at you.
"What?" she asks with a curious smile.
"Nothing" I say.
"I thought you were going to say something."
no. nothing that you wanted to hear at least.

your thoughts are on your sleeve
and you haven't washed that shirt in ages
maybe i'll surprise you
this is our town
but you hate your house

i tried to give my jewish friend a piggy back ride the other day.

tumble

Goals seem far away and I lose track. I'm cornered in a round room. Heels to the wall and I carefully place each palm on it, spreading each finger as far apart as it'll go. My fingernails are long on my right hand. It's supposed to be so I can finger pick on guitar easier. "You need to learn a new song" I hear. Making the best of what you have isn't imagining some life you'd be happy with if only you were somewhere else, surrounded by different people and things. If I don't put a lid of this jar, all of it will spill out. I forget why I get out of bed. It should be for something other than merely the sake of getting out of it. My eye lids have bad posture. They are always slouching. I sway my head to the music. I think I'm dancing to the beat of a different drum, but I'm just trying not to do things the same way as you. I put my hair in a little pony tail. At what age do you begin to get embarassed when people sing happy birthday to you? Some people don't even have to think before they answer that question. "I don't get embarrassed." I don't blame you. Surrounded by books, lamps, a chair. Nothing is fixed. A record player plays all the songs you wrote in your dreams, but could never remember after you awoke. Fetch me my malice. Sounds cool, but what's it mean to anyone? I wish I had that huge keyboard from Big. I'd dance it on it real fast, with my friends, and make a song. Sex. Whoosh. Gone. Are you breaking this code? Relate it all back together again. Whoever said this was going to be an entertaining feigning. Speak goddamn you. I can't see my house from here. You're on my friends list, and you should admit, that it just doesn't get any better than that. My clothes speak for me. Guess where I've been? I'm thinking you should get going. Book worms eat my brain. I went tubing the other day and my fat ass started dragging on the bank. I just sat there and let you catch up. "Is it shallow enough there to stand?" you ask. I think about standing up just to prove that point, but I am just too goddamn lazy. I roll over and out of the tube, resting on my elbows. "I can do this" I say.

roof

a jet ran across the sky, leaving behind a trail of exhaust, like a star whose engine just blew up

a jet ran across the sky, like god's broken etch a sketch

crappy poetry

somebody needs to take him home
he's drunk
he's getting depressed
kept mumbling
what a waste

***

i'm on your lips
i'll keep them soft
because you think you might kiss her tonight
how do I know this?
come on.

***

let's get some food
and some beer
maybe a condom or two
a girl at work fainted today
she came to and began
crying
i was different before i met
you

***

please my dear
please wake up
just this once
for old time's sake

please my dear
please make up
who you you think of
when I am away

***

Her favorite plant is an Azalea bush. Like the one she covered her first pet with. I asked her what plant she would cover me up with, and she just looked over, smiled, and said "Why do you think about such things?" I told her I didn't know. My breakfast was getting cold, and I was wondering why we didn't have sex that morning. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that we were at her parents' house. "Oops" I think to myself, "Now I've gone and done it!"

***

I ran after her, weaving through the people dancing, keeping up just enough to see her dart behind the next person. I try to grab her hand, and she pulls it away. She turns around and looks strait in my eyes "Don't you fucking dare." I can't say I'm sorry, I've got to make it count. But nothing comes out. Her eyes stay on me. "I'm sorry" I say. "Not this time" she replies "be sorry for yourself."

magazines

I'm pretty exhausted.

We went up to visit my sister and brother in law last night. It was pretty fun, but I fell asleep early while two of my friends stayed up until somewhere around 6 in the morning. It was also Purim, so our friend Jay drank. It's the one day of the year that Jay drinks a lot, for religious purposes. Jay never drinks. Maybe a sip here and there. He threw up on his socks. I was not awake for that. Or at least, didn't know.

I went by the Creative Circus today and got a formal tour. The place seems awesome, and just thinking about doing all that work and seeing what the people there have accomplished, overwhelms me.

I don't really have much to say right now. Driving made me tired today. And now i'm just surfing music. i'm in a boring part of spring break.