Blush

My heart and liver don't get along. I took my blood pressure today and my systolic is a little high. My pulse rate is 65 though, which is pretty good (me thinks).

Did you know that the order of the letters on a keyboard are as they are because when the first computers were made, the disorder slowed the user's typing, thus giving the software enough time to process the input. Keyboards with all letters in alphabetical order are made available today.

I filled my room with the most beautiful light, and made an imaginary snow angel on the bed. "I wonder where the ice machine is in this place" I think to myself. I rolled over to the bedside table and pulled open the drawer. "A free pen and pad of paper!" I have met success. I had a dream last night that reminded me of you. "You couldn't handle me" you said, "I'm too much woman for you." I had to gather all my belongings and I felt your searing stare on all sides of my head as my departure was drawn out. "Don't forget these, " you say as I struggle to open the door with my hands full, and you toss something at me. A bag of jelly beans which are not your favorite, but it was a dream, and I thought they were. I don't wake up screaming. I don't think I ever have. Now, waking up with a jolt? Yeah, plenty of times.

I look out the window at all the little white and red dots flowing along. The exploding tape deck.

In a forest of pencils, you're a little eraser, peeking from behind one. I'm a piece of paper. With a sweet bicycle. Turns out you have one too. We go for a ride. You draw on me. But you are the eraser, and I am but the paper.

I tied a string between two cups and you slapped me. "This is the wrong model!" you scream. It's not my fault? No. I say, "Where is my present?" You reach into your pocket and pull out your middle finger. I knew you shouldn't have drank out of that wine glass. "This holds three glasses of wine! But it looks like it's only, I don't know, one really big one." "That's something else." I say. And I meant it.

Man arrested for sending mouse up in "kite" with key attached to line. When questioned, his only response was "Props are required where props are deserved."

Owner of the popular pub, Bennie Frankie's, has medal awarded after inventing glasses which allow you to read and see what's "going on over there" interchangeably.

"I have the chalice!" Leonard screamed from atop of the foam mountain. We all moan and slouch our shoulders. It's foggy in the chamber, and I can smell whatever it is that they put in the liquid. It's like inhaling fake air. I was sort of annoyed that you won it. First the scratch off lottery ticket, and now that thing. What did I win? Time spent with you. Old friend. I wish I could just be happy for you, but I wanted the goddamn chalice. It was going to save my relationship. She's a sweet girl, and I really enjoy hanging out with her. But I always came home, empty handed. I close the door and she's still awake. "Did you have fun at Pump It Up?" she asks. "Yeah" I say "and go in to give her a kiss which she quietly avoids, and takes a peck on the cheek. "I brought home some loaded baked potato skins" I sheepishly offer. "You know those things make me constipated" she says. "No" I say, incredibly alarmed. Later that night I can't sleep because all I can think about is how many times you ate those loaded baked potato skins with me, hiding the fact that they made you constipated. "I don't need a chalice" I think, "you are my prize."

I set up a model train set between my room and yours. With two controllers, so that we could send each other things. I guess that's sort of like Mr. Rogers. You sent me a coal car full of pretzels and a soda that one time when I had a lot of work to do. I wonder if I should tell you that the coal car is for coal only.

Invention: Beach towel with sunscreen already on it. You dry off, and apply more sunscreen at the same time. Not for children under the age of three. Comes in different spfs and colors. Available at Walgreens and Rite Aid.

And that's how I feel right now.